happy day

As far as I'm concerned, nothing makes a bad day less crappy or a good day even better than a surprise piece of personal mail in my mailbox. Like most people, my mailbox is usually full of billing statements and magazines. (There are also frequent yellow slips letting me know that I have a package waiting for me. Not because people send me things, but because like many army spouses in Europe, I frequently enjoy online shopping!) It is not very often that I see a colored envelope or an envelope that has been addressed by hand or has the unmistakable shape and weight of a card. But this past Friday, I had a good day (It was Friday after all. And it was the Friday before a three-day weekend!) made better by receiving this great card in the mail:

It was from my sister-in-law Elizabeth and her family (Ian, Elinor and Ken) and was such a sweet surprise. She said that she sent the same card to Jerry as well. I have to say, that it was nice to be thought of in such a special way. So often, I feel stranded here. Though Jerry would argue that my experience is not nearly as awful as his in Iraq, I'd probably (okay definitely) disagree. I may have a lot of luxuries that he doesn't have. But I have a loneliness that doesn't go away. Not only do I miss having my husband physically present in my day-to-day life (thank goodness for the internet, providing a way to maintain a virtual presence) but I miss the familiarity of home and the network of family and friends that often seems so distant. So little things, like the receipt of this card, go a long way in making me feel more secure and grounded at a time when it's sometimes a struggle to keep pushing forward with a positive attitude. Thank you guys for brightening my day!

Now that the deployment is winding down and the end is in sight, I can reveal a little bit more about how truly terrible it's been. People often say that they can't even imagine going through it or say how hard it must be. I suspect that these people try to imagine it and come up with a pretty dismal picture. Honestly, I suspect that the reality is beyond most people's imagination and that whatever people are imagining, the reality is ten times worse. What makes it so bad is that it just keeps going. People go through rough patches of one kind or another throughout their lives. But a full year (or more) of rough patch is just too much! Of course, I'm hopeful that this will be the only deployment we face. But realistically, there will be more and I hope that this one is the worst because it's the first. This deployment has truly been a learning experience in which Jerry and I learned a lot about ourselves and each other and how we deal with deployment. Frankly, our coping skills are not very compatible and there have been stretches during this deployment that our commitment to each other was challenged by our behavior toward each other and poor communication. It has made us realize that if we go through this again, we will need to be better prepared and have a better communication plan that supports both of our needs and coping styles. There have been many tear-filled nights (and days) and it's become clear that this is a life for which I am not naturally suited. Under normal circumstances, I am not only full of emotion but I let that emotion out, in tears or exuberance. Yet during deployment, that kind of extreme emotional response that characterizes me just makes things harder and I find myself needing to learn how to build up the kind of shell that comes very naturally to Jerry. On the other hand, he so effectively builds that shell that he's become very unavailable to me emotionally, which clearly doesn't work for this overemotional Italian girl! I suspect that this is way more information than you bargained for when checking in on the GiantPantz blog! But I'm trying to stay true to myself and honest about the life I/we are leading. One of the reasons I've been absent from the blog for the past several months is because this deployment was causing such pain in my life that I couldn't bear to put it in writing. But I also didn't want to be filling entries by glossing over the truth or ignoring the reality. So now, I am able to be both honest about the hardships and positive about the future. Jerry and I have been communicating in a much more positive way and we've both recognized the areas that need some attention when it comes to supporting each other during separation. Time is starting to fly by and I'm certain that before I know it, Jerry will be home. And a few short weeks later, we'll be on our way to the states for three weeks of vacationing and visiting with family and friends.

In other happy day news, today is a happy day of birthdays! Yesterday, my sister Kim moved into her first college dorm room and today she's turning 19! Today is also my mother-in-law Barbara's birthday as well! Happy birthday to both of you wonderful ladies!

Finally, how could any day not be happy when I have this charming face to greet me?

Despite my complaining and despite the hardships and trials that this deployment has introduced to my life, I feel blessed for the wonderful things that fill it. I am thankful for all my family and friends. I'm thankful for the cutest pug on the planet. I'm thankful for online shopping and the things I can buy to decorate my home! And I'm thankful for the wonderful husband I have who is working so hard and enduring so much for his family, his country and the freedoms we all enjoy and value.