vibrato

Most people who know me think of me as a pretty ballsy person. But the fact of the matter is I'm really a chicken-shit that hides it well! I do force myself to face challenges and there's very little I won't do if dared, but the truth is that the unknown causes a great deal of anxiety for me, which pobably explains my extreme organizational tendencies and my self-imposed nickname 'Preparation H'! I suppose in some ways that I am ballsy because I don't let my anxiety completely paralyze me and I push through the stuff that frightens me. This past week, I had to take a solo road trip for work that required me driving a government vehicle to 10 military health clinics throughout Germany, many of which I had never visited. Going to numerous posts that were unknown to me caused a great deal of stress, but I had to push through it. And now I feel great! Some of the experiences were not very enjoyable, especially the post split into two. Naturally, I entered the incorrect part of post first and had to navigate a maze of construction to exit it and enter the correct portion. Once in the correct section, I drove round and round in another mess of construction before finally discovering my destination! On the flip side, I'm tempted to write a bit of a love letter to the autobahn! What a great driving experience! And I definitely am grateful for my trusty Navigon! The GPS has given me a freedom in Germany that I wouldn't have been likely to find if confined to maps and printouts of computer directions, especially while here on my own. All in all, I'm happy to have come through this experience feeling much more secure and accomplished. And I'm proud to have again set my chickenshitness aside to conquer my fears!

medal of honor

SFC Jared C. Monti was posthumously awarded the Medal of Honor this week. I encourage you all to visit this site to read about a man who acted with true heroism:

http://downloads.army.mil/medalofhonor/monti/index.html

I think that we all hope that we would be able to act with such honor under such circumstances, but I think that there are very few who would move beyond self-preservation to act with such courage and selflessness.

cold feet

Well, the weather outside has been frightful. And alas, we have no fire inside that's delightful. Instead of snow, the weather has been full of dreary (and very cold!) rain. The grey days make me unwilling to get out of bed in the morning. And the cold has me dreading bedtime because of my iceblock feet. Crawling into bed the other night, I was shivering and realized I had to trade out the summer jammies for winter ones (the awesome kiss mark ones that Ma and Kim sent me for Christmas/Birthday last year!). So clothed from head to toe in kisses and long winter jammy jams, I snuggled back into bed with Scooter. But my feet were still so cold and I was still shivering! It reminded me that I didn't have my feet warmer....Jerry! When we're in bed he'll always put his big warm feets on my cold ones to warm me up. It's a small thing and a silly thing, but it's something I love about him. My feet are seriously cold and I don't know how willing I'd be to touch something that cold if I didn't have to! But despite my nightly warnings that my feet are freezing and he better stay far far away from them, he always warms up my toesies, sacrificing his own comfort. If that doesn't say love, I don't know what does.

Well, with no Jerry I was forced to try some other methods to get warm. The first was a no-brainer yet it somehow didn't even occur to me when the temperature first started to dip: turn on the heater! Even with the heater on, the toes weren't feeling it and I had to resort to slipper socks in bed. I hate wearing socks in bed!! Then, I found the best trick of all. I readjusted my position in the bed, forcing Scooter to readjust as well. When he moved, he left a wonderful warm spot on the bed that I quickly moved into! If I ever had any doubts, Scooter has proven himself! (And of course there have never been any doubts about the Scooter-bug!)

go go panthers!

It's that time of year again...football season! We don't have Daddy Giant home with us to enjoy it. And frankly, he's what makes football season fun for me and Scooter. But as a sign of solidarity, Scooter and I are sporting our Panthers jerseys and counting the weeks until we get to have fun football Sundays as a family again!

Scooter doesn't have an 'official' Jersey quite yet. But he does have this super sporty Panthers blue bandana!

It even has his favorite player on it, number 89, Steve Smith!

But Scooter does look a little bummed that he doesn't have an official NFL-licensed cool jersey. So I looked online to find Scooter his own Panthers jersey. Turns out, doggy jerseys aren't really made for pug measurements. Because they're little and stocky anything that would meet puggy girth measurements would be hanging off of them everywhere else. The next option is to search for a toddler t-shirt for him. Perhaps I'll tackle that when we go to the states. Until then, he'll continue to cheer the Panthers on in his bandana (which I think is crazy cute!). Go go Panthers!

have a holly jolly christmas

...it's the best time of the year! But does that time of year really have to start in September?! Last month (you know, August!), I stepped into the commissary wearing a tank top and sweaty from my walk (because it was hot, you know, because it was August) and saw a huge display of Halloween candy! Now I love my York Peppermint Battys as much as then next person, but I have to put my foot down on the ridiculous meter when the Halloween candy is being sold over two months in advance! I'd barely gotten over the shock of that sight when I thought I caught a glimpse of some Christmas bows on an end cap at the PX...Christmas! I kept walking, certain I'd imagined what I saw or at least misinterpreted. Well, a few days later I found myself in the same area of the store as the first maybe-sighting. And sure enough, a full aisle of Christmas lights, decorations and bows had been set up. And a whole array of bikes and large toy items had been displayed as well. Craziness!

The weather has been doing its part to put us all in the holiday spirit. I don't know that if in my old age I'm simply forgetting how seasons and weather changes work, but I seem to recall that it's usually a gradual transition from summer to fall/winter. Yet in just a few days, I went from tank tops to fleece! Yesterday, to test the weather I put on my big ol' Chappy sweatshirt to go outside, hoping that when I stepped out into the sun it would clearly be too hot for the sweatshirt. My hopes were dashed as gusts of very cold wind affirmed my clothing choice. While I enjoy the fall, I wasn't quite ready to say goodbye to summer :-(

another day closer...

As much as I've been griping lately, it's another day closer to Jerry coming home, something I remind myself every day. And soon it will be just one more day until I see him. While I'm loaded with the frustrations of this past year, I am also full of excitement and hope for his return, even if sometimes I seem too caught up in the misery of now to focus on potential of the future. The past couple of entries have been absolutely true and honest, but they don't present the whole picture. And honestly, it's this roller coaster of ups and downs that adds to the frustrations of deployment. I do get bogged down by emotion when things aren't going well between us and the distance makes it nearly impossible to have any sort of real resolution. But I also spend a good deal of time thinking about how much I admire what Jerry's going through and feel proud that we're going to make it through this very difficult time together. And I truly believe that making it through this will make us stronger....I just need to hang in there and do a better job at distancing myself and not having such extreme reactions to things.

So yes, it's another day closer and it's a new day with a fresh perspective and an improved attitude!

where does the good go?

Earlier this year, a good friend (Karen) sent Jerry a care package. Not only did it include chocolate bacon (!) and other treats, but there was a just-for-Jerry mix CD. One of the songs was by Tegan and Sara. Jerry liked the song so much that he purchased all of the Tegan and Sara CDs and then shared them with me. I especially like the song Where Does the Good Go? and unfortunately its lyrics seem far too relevant to me right now:

Where do you go with your broken heart in tow?
What do you do with the left over you?
And how do you know when to let go?
Where does the good go? Where does the good go?

Look me in the eye and tell me you don't find me attractive.
Look me in the heart and tell me you won't go.
Look me in the eye and promise no love is like our love.
Look me in the heart and unbreak broken it wont happen.

It's love that leaves and breaks the seal of always thinking you would be
real happy and healthy strong and calm.
Where does the good go? Where does the good go?

There's more to the song, but you get the idea. While I thought that Jerry and I we were out of the woods, I was mistaken. I've spent so much of the deployment wondering where the good went and hoping and praying that it comes back. And frankly, I'm scared that it won't. This is the price to be paid for the army. It's not just the lives that are put in danger, it's the relationships and families that break under the pressures of army life. The physical separation is horrible, but the emotional distance is worse. While I never question the love that Jerry and I have for each other, I sometimes wonder if it's enough. I look at the above picture (another great one from Tuesday's Frog!) and the life and fun and joy of it seem so distant.

We have received word that Jerry is likely to be coming home during the first couple of weeks in November. With less than 60 days to go, I'm hoping that the time flies and that our reunion helps us put all of this drama, difficulty and doubt to rest. Until then, please keep us and Jerry's continued safety in your thoughts and prayers.

a belated happy birthday

from a bad bad granddaughter to a wonderful grandmother who celebrated her birthday yesterday with no birthday wishes from me!! Apologies to all I may have overlooked or neglected while wrapped in my shroud of self-pity during this deployment!

happy day

As far as I'm concerned, nothing makes a bad day less crappy or a good day even better than a surprise piece of personal mail in my mailbox. Like most people, my mailbox is usually full of billing statements and magazines. (There are also frequent yellow slips letting me know that I have a package waiting for me. Not because people send me things, but because like many army spouses in Europe, I frequently enjoy online shopping!) It is not very often that I see a colored envelope or an envelope that has been addressed by hand or has the unmistakable shape and weight of a card. But this past Friday, I had a good day (It was Friday after all. And it was the Friday before a three-day weekend!) made better by receiving this great card in the mail:

It was from my sister-in-law Elizabeth and her family (Ian, Elinor and Ken) and was such a sweet surprise. She said that she sent the same card to Jerry as well. I have to say, that it was nice to be thought of in such a special way. So often, I feel stranded here. Though Jerry would argue that my experience is not nearly as awful as his in Iraq, I'd probably (okay definitely) disagree. I may have a lot of luxuries that he doesn't have. But I have a loneliness that doesn't go away. Not only do I miss having my husband physically present in my day-to-day life (thank goodness for the internet, providing a way to maintain a virtual presence) but I miss the familiarity of home and the network of family and friends that often seems so distant. So little things, like the receipt of this card, go a long way in making me feel more secure and grounded at a time when it's sometimes a struggle to keep pushing forward with a positive attitude. Thank you guys for brightening my day!

Now that the deployment is winding down and the end is in sight, I can reveal a little bit more about how truly terrible it's been. People often say that they can't even imagine going through it or say how hard it must be. I suspect that these people try to imagine it and come up with a pretty dismal picture. Honestly, I suspect that the reality is beyond most people's imagination and that whatever people are imagining, the reality is ten times worse. What makes it so bad is that it just keeps going. People go through rough patches of one kind or another throughout their lives. But a full year (or more) of rough patch is just too much! Of course, I'm hopeful that this will be the only deployment we face. But realistically, there will be more and I hope that this one is the worst because it's the first. This deployment has truly been a learning experience in which Jerry and I learned a lot about ourselves and each other and how we deal with deployment. Frankly, our coping skills are not very compatible and there have been stretches during this deployment that our commitment to each other was challenged by our behavior toward each other and poor communication. It has made us realize that if we go through this again, we will need to be better prepared and have a better communication plan that supports both of our needs and coping styles. There have been many tear-filled nights (and days) and it's become clear that this is a life for which I am not naturally suited. Under normal circumstances, I am not only full of emotion but I let that emotion out, in tears or exuberance. Yet during deployment, that kind of extreme emotional response that characterizes me just makes things harder and I find myself needing to learn how to build up the kind of shell that comes very naturally to Jerry. On the other hand, he so effectively builds that shell that he's become very unavailable to me emotionally, which clearly doesn't work for this overemotional Italian girl! I suspect that this is way more information than you bargained for when checking in on the GiantPantz blog! But I'm trying to stay true to myself and honest about the life I/we are leading. One of the reasons I've been absent from the blog for the past several months is because this deployment was causing such pain in my life that I couldn't bear to put it in writing. But I also didn't want to be filling entries by glossing over the truth or ignoring the reality. So now, I am able to be both honest about the hardships and positive about the future. Jerry and I have been communicating in a much more positive way and we've both recognized the areas that need some attention when it comes to supporting each other during separation. Time is starting to fly by and I'm certain that before I know it, Jerry will be home. And a few short weeks later, we'll be on our way to the states for three weeks of vacationing and visiting with family and friends.

In other happy day news, today is a happy day of birthdays! Yesterday, my sister Kim moved into her first college dorm room and today she's turning 19! Today is also my mother-in-law Barbara's birthday as well! Happy birthday to both of you wonderful ladies!

Finally, how could any day not be happy when I have this charming face to greet me?

Despite my complaining and despite the hardships and trials that this deployment has introduced to my life, I feel blessed for the wonderful things that fill it. I am thankful for all my family and friends. I'm thankful for the cutest pug on the planet. I'm thankful for online shopping and the things I can buy to decorate my home! And I'm thankful for the wonderful husband I have who is working so hard and enduring so much for his family, his country and the freedoms we all enjoy and value.