regain.

Regain.  It's the dirty word of weight loss surgery.   Of weight loss in general.  And for a word that contains 'gain', it's really much more about loss.  The loss of control.  The loss of hope. The loss of confidence.

The decision to even consider weight loss surgery was huge.  At least for me, it was.  It was admitting that I had a problem that I couldn't handle on my own.  I needed help.  So much help with this addiction (because, let's be honest, I have a food addiction) that I needed to alter my body to help me overcome  it.  When I made the decision to pursue weight loss surgery, I felt relief.  And hope.  Hope for the first time in years that I could conquer this.

People often say that bariatric surgery is the easy way out.  Let me tell you, it isn't.  It IS the easiest way to lose a lot of weight quickly.  But it doesn't erase years of bad habits and it doesn't eliminate addiction.

Being a normal sized person is truly amazing, after spending most of my life as a bigger than normal sized person.  It's nice to walk into a restaurant and not have the moment of panic as I survey the booths and chairs.  Do the chairs have arms?  Is my fat ass going to be able to squeeze into a chair here?  How close is the booth to the table?  Is my fat belly going to fit?  Can the table or booth be moved to accommodate the giant belly? 

Becoming more physically active and recognizing the power and strength of my own body has been equally amazing and empowering.  Simple acts like running up and down stairs and chasing after the kids no longer exhaust me.  And my body isn't in a state of constant aching (so constant that I hadn't even registered that it was there until I realized it was gone!).

But now, here I am.  Facing regain and worried that I'm going to be one of the people who fails.  Whose weight loss was temporary because I couldn't overcome my demons.  I've regained 25 pounds since my lowest weight. Sure, there's been a lot of big and stressful stuff going on in my life, but there's always going to be something going on that I can blame for my emotional eating.

I'm trying to frame my regain as an opportunity.  An opportunity to recognize where I am not doing my best.  An opportunity to find some other things to regain in my life: regain control, regain hope, regain confidence.  It is an opportunity to see how far I've come and to acknowledge that 25 pounds of regain is still pretty insignificant compared to the 125 pounds of loss that I have sustained.  And it's an opportunity to see that my ultimate weight goal is still very much within my reach and achievable. It is not the distant impossibility that has loomed over me for most of my life.

I'm putting this out there to be honest and accountable.  I'm now at the point where I really need to do the hard work.  And this is the hard work that I will have to continue to do for the rest of my life.  And it is worth it.  It is worth it to be active with my kids and to feel like I'm giving them the best shot of having the most amount of time with me as possible (and me with them - because I'm selfish like that!). It is worth it to be the best partner I can be to my JerryGiant. It is worth it because I am worth it.