...because I'm so fat

The other day, Amelie and I went to the PX to run a few errands.  For those of you aren't familiar with military life or haven't watched enough episodes of Army Wives, the PX is the Post Exchange, basically a small department store on post. I have always talked a lot to/with both kids, from the time they were born.  Not baby talk, but basically narrating everything that I'm doing.  I think it helps build a strong linguistic foundation for them. And it helps me feel connected to actual human beings when my days are spent almost entirely without adult interaction.

Well.  We were at the PX and I found a dress in the juniors department that was just adorable.  I looked at a size large and said, out loud, that it was adorable and that I didn't think that it would fit because I'm so fat.

And I immediately regretted voicing that.  I worry about becoming the voice in Amelie's head that she's too fat.  I have a temper and more often than I'd like to admit, I lose it and yell at the kids.  And I always feel terrible after I've done that and immediately apologize for my actions. This felt even worse.

Honestly, that adorable dress wasn't going to fit.  Not because I was so fat, but because it was not the right size for my body.  I am overweight and I there's plenty of room for me to make better food choices and to exercise more.  But I don't need to beat myself up about my body.  And I certainly don't need my daughter to witness it.  This body is so much more than its jiggly belly and chunky thighs.  This body is strong.  It has created, carried and delivered life.  It provides comfort to my children through hugs, snuggles and kisses.  It tends to boo boos.  It plays games.  It walks and runs and swims. It dance and sings.  It smiles and it laughs.

I want this beautiful girl to grow up feeling proud of her body and all that it does and can do.  Of course, I also want her to be healthy and active. But I never want her to beat herself up or feel shame about her body when it's not at its best. And I certainly don't want to be the voice that she hears if she has negative feelings about herself.  I want to build her up and lift her up. And I want to live by example.  I want her to see a mom that is active. A mom that tries to make healthy food choices, but that still enjoys treats on occasion. A mom that struggles but keeps trying. We both deserve that.