lonely mom club

It seems crazy - the idea of being lonely when you spend so little time actually alone.  Even going to the bathroom is usually a group event. Yet being a mom often means experiencing a unique kind of loneliness.  I'm not sure if we all feel this, but I suspect that many of us do.  I think that it's especially prevalent in the stay at home mom crowd. 

For me, I was working right up until James was born.  So I was used to interacting with people (adults) on a regular basis.  And up until a few weeks before James was born, I thought that I would be returning to work after a maternity leave. In my head, I never really saw an extended period as a stay at home mom and even if I did, I'm not sure that I would have even considered the loneliness.

Life happened and I became a stay at home mom.  At first, I was way too busy and consumed with being a first-time mom that I didn't feel the loneliness. I was, however, quickly introduced to some intense mom-guilt when I wasn't able to successfully breastfeed.  As time went on, I started to feel the loneliness and it was accompanied by even more mom-guilt. What right did I have to feel bad/unhappy about anything when I was so blessed to spend my time with such an amazing little human?  And I think that's what it boils down to - mom loneliness is accompanied by mom-guilt.  It's hard to express feelings of dissatisfaction or lack of fulfillment when we have so much to be grateful for.

Let me be clear.  I have zero regrets about the time I have spent with my children.  I would make the same choice as many times as it was offered to me.  But I think that it's important to acknowledge that it's not all sunshine and rainbows.  Beyond the obvious tantrums and never-ending work that make being a mom difficult, the loneliness is very real.  There are days when my only in-person adult interactions are with the Starbucks barista and the cashier at Target.  I begin to wonder if my thoughts and ideas have any value anymore and I cling to social media because it provides connection of some kind to other adults. Amidst this isolation, I am thankful for mom-friends and my daily phone calls with my own mom. But it only goes so far.

Along the way, I have found ways to form adult connections and ease the loneliness. I realize now that my MBA program not only allowed me to engage in my love of learning, but it was really great for keeping me connected to adults on a regular basis. My volunteer work has also given me healthy and productive relationships with adults, while allowing me to support causes that are close to my heart.

Despite the avenues of connection that I do have, I feel like the loneliness is compounded right now by Jerry's work assignment and schedule.  Not only does it mean that I see very little of him, but he often comes home unhappy and uninterested in being social. So the little guaranteed time that I get with another adult isn't as fulfilling as I'd like. And the long hours mean that I also feel more alone in this whole parenting thing.

Again, this is not meant to be a lengthy complaint.  I think that a big part of the remedy to both the loneliness and the guilt can be found in self-care, something us moms often put on the back burner.   Self-care comes in many forms and I know that I need to put in some serious work to identify my own best methods of self-care.  Strangely, some of what makes me feel less lonely is spending time alone! When I have time to myself in which I don't have to perform any of my house or family duties, I begin to find the balance that has been lacking in my life.  Whether it's taking a bath, going for a walk, working out or writing in this blog, I find myself returning to the 'me' that I have felt distanced from.  I've also recently made a friend that I am able to see and talk to in person on a regular basis (who isn't even a mom!) and that has also gone a long way in relieving the loneliness. The job that I will be starting next month will require interacting with clients on a regular basis and I look forward to having conversations that don't revolve around Goldie and Bear, Little Einsteins or dinosaurs.

Thanks for sticking with this meandering post. Thanks for making me feel less lonely by reading it. And thanks to all the people who also express their own struggles with loneliness and parenthood....it helps so much to know I'm not alone!