freedom?

The struggle of mom emotions seems to be what weighs most heavily on me at this point in my life and my recent string of blog posts definitely reflects that. Today is no exception. For the first time in a very long time (literally months), I am out by myself.  I am leisurely enjoying my iced skinny caramel macchiato at Starbucks, surfing the internet, doing some reading and writing this post.  Without my kids.  And it's awesome.  But I'd be lying if I said it was completely awesome.  Because the awesome is mixed with a little of that ever-present mom guilt. And I'm surprised to feel a touch of sadness as well.  Who knew the complexity of emotions that could be stirred by a simple morning alone? I certainly didn't!

For months, I have been saying that I wanted to take a couple of hours to myself on a weekend that Jerry didn't have duty.  And for months, weekends have come and gone and I didn't get (didn't take?) my two hours of freedom.  Finally, this weekend, we made it happen. 

Part of the reason that this hasn't happened is that I feel guilty for leaving the kiddos.  Which is ridiculous!  I am with them all the time.  But still, I feel guilt.  It's not as much guilt for leaving them, but it's the guilt for wanting to leave them.  I somehow feel like it's my mom duty to want to spend every waking minute with them.  Which is, again, ridiculous!  And while my head knows that it is good and healthy to have time to myself, that nagging guilt persists.

Today, I set the guilt aside and took the plunge.  I left the house without the kids.  And it felt strange. The short car ride was just so quiet.  During the hours my kids are awake, I don't think that there is ever more than a couple of seconds of silence. It was equally strange walking into the store without a small hand to hold.  And it was weird to walk up to place my order without first having a discussion/argument about the purchase of sweet treats.  And as much as I had been looking forward to exactly those things, it also made me a little sad.

With my coffee beverage in hand, I chose a table in the sun.  I set up my little work/relaxation station on the table and sat down, enjoying the feeling of the warm sun on my back. Yet it all felt a little empty.  This is the freedom I've been craving?!

But as I sat here, letting the sun work its magic, without any pressing tasks and without the constant chatter of little voices, I felt myself relaxing.  I almost didn't recognize the feeling, because it's been so long since I've felt this calm. And I realize how much I miss this.  And how important it is to make time for this.  It's worth it to wrestle my way through all of the guilt and sadness to find the calm.  And I know that it will make me a better and more patient mom...yet another reason to work at getting rid of that guilt!

I still have a little bit of time before I'm due to head back to the family.  So I'm going to stop writing and do some reading for pleasure...I honestly can't remember the last time that I did that!

Mom friends, please put aside your guilt and your excuses and make time for you!  You deserve it!

do you know that you are very strong?

As a parent, I fuck up a lot.  Whether it's yelling too much, forgetting to pack a snack for school or setting a bad example, I do my fair share of fucking up. This week, I even had the audacity to sing You Are My Sunshine to Amelie.  She vehemently let me know that she is NOT my sunshine!

BUT. There are times that the kids do or say things that make me feel like I'm doing something right after all.

One of our favorite books is "The Monster at the End of this Book".  It started out as a favorite book of mine.  A book that was read to me as a child and whose illustrations and hilarious story have stuck with me all these years. It gives me such great and pure joy to share this treasure with my own kids, complete with a silly Grover voice (which probably sounds nothing like Grover!).  And the kids adore it too, gracing me with huge smiles and belly laughs at every single reading.

Without fail, my kids answer a question posed on one of the pages. When I, in my best Grover voice, ask "Do you know that you are very strong?", both James and Amelie earnestly declare 'Yes, I am very strong!' It's a rhetorical question, so the first time they answered caught me by surprise. But every single time, it fills my heart with joy and pride.  I love seeing their confidence and certainty that they are strong.  And, although, it's a little thing, I think that it speaks volumes when young kids feel strong and powerful and are comfortable expressing that confidence.  And I don't think it's too much of a stretch to take a little bit of credit for that confidence. I love that we are able to share in the love of reading as a family and that the kids are able to smile and laugh along with the story and come away with a little boost of confidence.

Yes, James and Amelie, you are very strong!

...because I'm so fat

The other day, Amelie and I went to the PX to run a few errands.  For those of you aren't familiar with military life or haven't watched enough episodes of Army Wives, the PX is the Post Exchange, basically a small department store on post. I have always talked a lot to/with both kids, from the time they were born.  Not baby talk, but basically narrating everything that I'm doing.  I think it helps build a strong linguistic foundation for them. And it helps me feel connected to actual human beings when my days are spent almost entirely without adult interaction.

Well.  We were at the PX and I found a dress in the juniors department that was just adorable.  I looked at a size large and said, out loud, that it was adorable and that I didn't think that it would fit because I'm so fat.

And I immediately regretted voicing that.  I worry about becoming the voice in Amelie's head that she's too fat.  I have a temper and more often than I'd like to admit, I lose it and yell at the kids.  And I always feel terrible after I've done that and immediately apologize for my actions. This felt even worse.

Honestly, that adorable dress wasn't going to fit.  Not because I was so fat, but because it was not the right size for my body.  I am overweight and I there's plenty of room for me to make better food choices and to exercise more.  But I don't need to beat myself up about my body.  And I certainly don't need my daughter to witness it.  This body is so much more than its jiggly belly and chunky thighs.  This body is strong.  It has created, carried and delivered life.  It provides comfort to my children through hugs, snuggles and kisses.  It tends to boo boos.  It plays games.  It walks and runs and swims. It dance and sings.  It smiles and it laughs.

I want this beautiful girl to grow up feeling proud of her body and all that it does and can do.  Of course, I also want her to be healthy and active. But I never want her to beat herself up or feel shame about her body when it's not at its best. And I certainly don't want to be the voice that she hears if she has negative feelings about herself.  I want to build her up and lift her up. And I want to live by example.  I want her to see a mom that is active. A mom that tries to make healthy food choices, but that still enjoys treats on occasion. A mom that struggles but keeps trying. We both deserve that.

when life gives you lemons...

...you make limoncello! That's the saying, right?!

Duty weeks are pretty tough on this Momma.  At least once a month, Jerry is the Duty Platoon Sergeant, which means he works on Saturday and Sunday. And I can expect that he will be home after 8:00pm every day that week, from Saturday through the following Friday. So I pretty much have no break from parenting for twelve days straight.  To be fair, at the same time Jerry has no break from work for twelve days straight.  So it's generally a not-fun time for both of us. And unfortunately, it's not too surprising that the exhaustion and stress don't go unnoticed by the kiddos.

Yesterday, I got it right.  I made that limoncello!

It certainly helped that it was a gorgeous day.  It's so much easier to make boozey lemony drinks when the sun is shining! And, like all good days, we started at 'the coffee store'.  I'm much more likely to be Fun Momma if I'm sufficiently caffeinated!  After our trip to Starbucks, armed with an iced skinny caramel macchiato (in a reusable cup, of course!), we headed to James' soccer practice. After missing last week's practices because of strep throat, it was great to see James running around, learning new skills and having fun.  Meanwhile, Amelie and I were able to enjoy the company of other moms and siblings on the the sidelines as we played and picnicked. James was super excited when he was issued his brand new jersey and got to wear it in a scrimmage with another team practicing at the same time.

After all that hard work, I thought James could use a little reward and I suggested we go somewhere fun.  Amelie nominated 'the cornhole place', but I told her that we wouldn't want to go to the brewery without Daddy :-) Instead, I suggested Chik Fil A, more commonly known as 'Chicken Playground' in our house.  And from that point on, we managed to strike the perfect balance of kid fun and Momma productivity. While the kiddos had tons of fun eating chicken nuggets and waffle fries and playing their hearts out in the play area, I had time to do some proofreading for Mom2Mom.  And proofreading is both productive AND fun for me!

We spent a solid chunk of time at the Chicken Playground and then headed to Best Buy to run in and grab a printer that I had ordered.  Especially when I'm parenting alone, I'm a huge fan of store pick-up options! In and out in under five minutes with minimal offspring wrangling...yes!  Then we headed into 'The Red Circle Store' to check out the toy section row by row, pick up some hangers (my boring errand) and stock up on supplies for making ice cream sundaes!  The kids were anxious to get home and get right to work on sundae building!

But after all the running around, Amelie crashed minutes before we pulled back into the driveway.  Literally minutes. So while she snoozed James got to have some more playing time outside and then he helped me set up the new printer.

Once Amelie was awake, operation Sundaes Before Dinner commenced and soon the kids were enjoying their creations. The flavor combinations were pretty impressive, with each kid having a mixture of vanilla, cotton candy, and peanut butter M&M ice creams!  Topped with Skittles and both sweet and sour gummy worms. James really went to town by adding whipped cream and chocolate syrup too. Kinda made me a bit sick just looking at it, but they excitedly wolfed down their sundaes!  It was extra special because they were able to enjoy their sweet treats in the living room (ooooh!) while watching television. Dessert was followed by a dinner of chicken nuggets (both regular and dinosaur shaped) and curly fries.  And edamame. Lots of edamame. I had made myself edamame earlier this week and James tried it.  Since then, he has been requesting it daily and usually does a little booty-shaking move as he asks for some 'ena-ma-may'....it's hilarious!  And awesome to see him so excited to eat a green food :-)

Daddy came home as they were finishing dinner (after 8:00) and it was time to get ready for bed.  Since it wasn't a school night, the kiddos got in their jammies and got to snuggle up on the green bean and watch television for awhile.  I asked James if he had had a good day, and he told me that it was 'the best day ever!'  This Momma's heart was smiling!  So glad that we were able to enjoy such a nice day together and that I was even able to squeeze in some productive time.

Judging by how hard and fully clothed he crashed last night, I suspect it was NOT a limoncello day for Jerry! I am so proud of his hard work and commitment to his job and to his family.  I know that these days are really hard on him. And as difficult as it is to be the parent who never gets a break, I am so thankful that I'm not the parent that never gets to see my kids. The good thing about military life is that this assignment is not forever. We can hope that our next duty station and Jerry's next assignment will allow for more family time and can definitely count on new and different experiences for our family.  In the meantime, we will do our best to make the most of our time here and to give our kids lots of great days like today!

happy planner

In the office supply hierarchy, nothing tops the planner.  Seriously.  Nothing.  One of its many qualities is its ability to bring together other office supply favorites, like pens, highlighters, sticky notes and tabs.  Well, tabs might be a bit of a reach since most planners already are tabbed.  But you get what I'm saying.  I love filling a planner with neatly written (never scribbled!) and highlighted entries. 

I think that the best thing about a planner is the sense that I have my shit together.  How could I not, with my time neatly mapped out in color coded entries?  And honestly, sometimes the act of putting it all down is the first step in getting my shit together when life seems to be overwhelming and out of control.

So when a friend that shares my love of office supplies recommended that I check out Me & My Big Ideas and their Happy Planner, I jumped.  By that night, I had placed my order and a few days later, this beauty in the photo was on my desk.

Now the countdown begins until I can start using this 18-month planner in July :-)  For all of my planner-loving friends, you should definitely check these out.  They aren't cheap, but they are beautiful and inspiring! And they are packaged with cute things like this postcard (I supplied the frame):

 

and this sticker:

I am a happy planner.  How did they know? Planning is my jam.  Making lists, finding the most efficient and effective way to accomplish tasks, getting the best deals.  All satisfying ways to spend my time. My wedding day was, hands down, the best day of my life...it was truly perfect!  (There were some magical moments on the days that I met my children for the first time, but labor was significantly more painful than my wedding day!) Part of the wedding day perfection was getting to plan it for months and then see it all come together.

Professionally I have always been drawn to positions that are heavy on planning and organization. And have always found tremendous satisfaction when I've managed to coordinate a difficult project.

I can't wait to fill my happy planner with happy (and productive) plans.  And look forward to doing it next to my wall of inspiration, which now reminds me that I am amazing.

he opened he's window!!

Our mornings don't really follow a set schedule.  Although James and I go to the bus stop every morning at the same time, everything else that happens depends on Jerry's morning PT and work schedule, which varies from day to day.  Most of the time Amelie joins James and me at the bus stop and Jerry leaves for work while we're there.  On other days, he leaves a bit later and Amelie gets to see Daddy off as he leaves for work.  Amelie always reminds Jerry: "Don't forget a hug, Daddy!"  (Like he would!) And she insists on standing at the door until she sees him drive off.

It's hard to describe the incredible cuteness as this little girl stands at the door, watching her Daddy drive away, waiting for him to open the car window as he drives off and wave to her.  And every time that he does, a huge smile spreads across her face and she excitedly (and loudly) tells me 'He opened he's window!!'

Yesterday, the kids slept super late.  Between James being sick and Amelie having skipped her nap the day before, they were exhausted.  So I was the only one up when Jerry left for work.  I gave him a hug and kiss before he left the house, but decided that I would stand at the door to watch him drive away, like Amelie. He backed out of the driveway and then saw me standing there.  I saw a giant smile on his face and he rolled down the window and waved at me.  I was filled with glee and thought, "He opened he's window!!" In that moment, I felt sweet and simple joy and my day started with optimism.

It ended up being a pretty shitty day, but at least it started with a smile :-)

lonely mom club

It seems crazy - the idea of being lonely when you spend so little time actually alone.  Even going to the bathroom is usually a group event. Yet being a mom often means experiencing a unique kind of loneliness.  I'm not sure if we all feel this, but I suspect that many of us do.  I think that it's especially prevalent in the stay at home mom crowd. 

For me, I was working right up until James was born.  So I was used to interacting with people (adults) on a regular basis.  And up until a few weeks before James was born, I thought that I would be returning to work after a maternity leave. In my head, I never really saw an extended period as a stay at home mom and even if I did, I'm not sure that I would have even considered the loneliness.

Life happened and I became a stay at home mom.  At first, I was way too busy and consumed with being a first-time mom that I didn't feel the loneliness. I was, however, quickly introduced to some intense mom-guilt when I wasn't able to successfully breastfeed.  As time went on, I started to feel the loneliness and it was accompanied by even more mom-guilt. What right did I have to feel bad/unhappy about anything when I was so blessed to spend my time with such an amazing little human?  And I think that's what it boils down to - mom loneliness is accompanied by mom-guilt.  It's hard to express feelings of dissatisfaction or lack of fulfillment when we have so much to be grateful for.

Let me be clear.  I have zero regrets about the time I have spent with my children.  I would make the same choice as many times as it was offered to me.  But I think that it's important to acknowledge that it's not all sunshine and rainbows.  Beyond the obvious tantrums and never-ending work that make being a mom difficult, the loneliness is very real.  There are days when my only in-person adult interactions are with the Starbucks barista and the cashier at Target.  I begin to wonder if my thoughts and ideas have any value anymore and I cling to social media because it provides connection of some kind to other adults. Amidst this isolation, I am thankful for mom-friends and my daily phone calls with my own mom. But it only goes so far.

Along the way, I have found ways to form adult connections and ease the loneliness. I realize now that my MBA program not only allowed me to engage in my love of learning, but it was really great for keeping me connected to adults on a regular basis. My volunteer work has also given me healthy and productive relationships with adults, while allowing me to support causes that are close to my heart.

Despite the avenues of connection that I do have, I feel like the loneliness is compounded right now by Jerry's work assignment and schedule.  Not only does it mean that I see very little of him, but he often comes home unhappy and uninterested in being social. So the little guaranteed time that I get with another adult isn't as fulfilling as I'd like. And the long hours mean that I also feel more alone in this whole parenting thing.

Again, this is not meant to be a lengthy complaint.  I think that a big part of the remedy to both the loneliness and the guilt can be found in self-care, something us moms often put on the back burner.   Self-care comes in many forms and I know that I need to put in some serious work to identify my own best methods of self-care.  Strangely, some of what makes me feel less lonely is spending time alone! When I have time to myself in which I don't have to perform any of my house or family duties, I begin to find the balance that has been lacking in my life.  Whether it's taking a bath, going for a walk, working out or writing in this blog, I find myself returning to the 'me' that I have felt distanced from.  I've also recently made a friend that I am able to see and talk to in person on a regular basis (who isn't even a mom!) and that has also gone a long way in relieving the loneliness. The job that I will be starting next month will require interacting with clients on a regular basis and I look forward to having conversations that don't revolve around Goldie and Bear, Little Einsteins or dinosaurs.

Thanks for sticking with this meandering post. Thanks for making me feel less lonely by reading it. And thanks to all the people who also express their own struggles with loneliness and parenthood....it helps so much to know I'm not alone!

soccer mom

During the six years in which I wasn't contributing to this blog, a lot of big life things happened.  We moved...four times.  I lost a job that I loved.  I had an amazing kid.  And another one.  I earned my MBA.  We found forever homes for Skittles and Moxii with other families.  My Scooter Bug crossed the rainbow bridge. Jerry deployed to Afghanistan. I had gastric bypass surgery and lost 150 pounds.  We added a new furry family member, Trixie. And perhaps the biggest life thing?  Yesterday I joined the ranks as a soccer mom.

I mean, I knew it was coming.  All the signs were there.  We purchased our Honda Odyssey a couple of years ago...I love our 'loser cruiser'! Seriously, zero shame and 100% excitement for our minivan.   And my wardrobe?  A mix of Lularoe and workout clothes.  Clearly, I was just paving the way to making it official.  And, of course, there's the past five years of my life revolving around my children. Becoming a soccer mom was inevitable.

But last night, I became the real deal.  After two canceled practices (thanks to the freezing weather!), we finally had our first practice.  Despite my great planing to make sure everyone was fed and ready to go on time, Amelie had a last minute diaper full of poop for me to contend with.  Complete with soaked pants, requiring a full change of clothing from the waist down.  Followed by a meltdown because she wanted to bring a ball to practice too.  Clearly I wasn't as prepared as I thought, despite the bag full of soccer equipment, water and snacks.  Now I needed an additional ball.  I frantically searched the ball bag in the garage and found a deflated froggy playground ball....perfect, other than the deflated part.  The kids were totally impressed as I brandished an 'air plump' and got that ball back into commission.  Now we were officially late and the chaotic exit from the house commenced. 

We made it to the fields almost ten minutes late.  I was throwing packaging left and right as I quickly outfitted James in his soccer attire in the dirt parking lot.  And we were off!  James quickly joined his team and immediately got down to business.  Meanwhile Amelie and I were off to the side, enjoying running around the bleachers and catching and kicking the froggy ball (totally worth the extra couple of minutes it took to procure and 'plump' up!).

James ended his practice sweaty, red-cheeked and smiling.  And I was happy.  Happy to have seen James enjoy himself so much.  Happy to have spent such a great time with Amelie.  All day today, Amelie kept telling me about how much fun James had playing soccer with his friends and 'how much fun I had playing with you, Mommy!' 

Yeah, being a soccer mom totally rocks!

regain.

Regain.  It's the dirty word of weight loss surgery.   Of weight loss in general.  And for a word that contains 'gain', it's really much more about loss.  The loss of control.  The loss of hope. The loss of confidence.

The decision to even consider weight loss surgery was huge.  At least for me, it was.  It was admitting that I had a problem that I couldn't handle on my own.  I needed help.  So much help with this addiction (because, let's be honest, I have a food addiction) that I needed to alter my body to help me overcome  it.  When I made the decision to pursue weight loss surgery, I felt relief.  And hope.  Hope for the first time in years that I could conquer this.

People often say that bariatric surgery is the easy way out.  Let me tell you, it isn't.  It IS the easiest way to lose a lot of weight quickly.  But it doesn't erase years of bad habits and it doesn't eliminate addiction.

Being a normal sized person is truly amazing, after spending most of my life as a bigger than normal sized person.  It's nice to walk into a restaurant and not have the moment of panic as I survey the booths and chairs.  Do the chairs have arms?  Is my fat ass going to be able to squeeze into a chair here?  How close is the booth to the table?  Is my fat belly going to fit?  Can the table or booth be moved to accommodate the giant belly? 

Becoming more physically active and recognizing the power and strength of my own body has been equally amazing and empowering.  Simple acts like running up and down stairs and chasing after the kids no longer exhaust me.  And my body isn't in a state of constant aching (so constant that I hadn't even registered that it was there until I realized it was gone!).

But now, here I am.  Facing regain and worried that I'm going to be one of the people who fails.  Whose weight loss was temporary because I couldn't overcome my demons.  I've regained 25 pounds since my lowest weight. Sure, there's been a lot of big and stressful stuff going on in my life, but there's always going to be something going on that I can blame for my emotional eating.

I'm trying to frame my regain as an opportunity.  An opportunity to recognize where I am not doing my best.  An opportunity to find some other things to regain in my life: regain control, regain hope, regain confidence.  It is an opportunity to see how far I've come and to acknowledge that 25 pounds of regain is still pretty insignificant compared to the 125 pounds of loss that I have sustained.  And it's an opportunity to see that my ultimate weight goal is still very much within my reach and achievable. It is not the distant impossibility that has loomed over me for most of my life.

I'm putting this out there to be honest and accountable.  I'm now at the point where I really need to do the hard work.  And this is the hard work that I will have to continue to do for the rest of my life.  And it is worth it.  It is worth it to be active with my kids and to feel like I'm giving them the best shot of having the most amount of time with me as possible (and me with them - because I'm selfish like that!). It is worth it to be the best partner I can be to my JerryGiant. It is worth it because I am worth it. 

back to school shopping

Every year, for as long as I can remember, I have looked forward to back to school shopping.  It was almost never about the new clothes.  When you're a fat girl, the clothes shopping isn't quite as exciting as I'd imagine it would be for people who look good and feel good in cute clothes.  But the supplies?  Oh, the supplies.

To this day, I still get excited about picking out new notebooks and having fresh sets of highlighters and pens. I sometimes wonder if going back to school to earn my MBA was really an elaborate and expensive excuse to go school supply shopping twice a year. 

It's a bit difficult for me to understand people who are willing to write with or on just about anything. It is equally difficult for me to understand people who take notes on a computer or device. Me?  I like a notebook with a pretty or attractive cover (of course) and thin lines. My pens?  Ballpoint, not rollerball/gel. I'm left-handed and as much as like the idea of gel, the reality is a blotchy mess and a blue hand.  Always blue.  Well, maybe an occasional purple.  But never black.  And bold.  No fine tip pens for me.  I press really hard when I write and those fine tips just tear right through the paper. Highlighters? Sharpie.  The super liquidy kind.  The scratching of the tip of a highlighter as I move it across the page is like nails on a chalkboard.  So yeah, I have a few opinions and preferences when it comes to my supplies :-) 

When I'm able to find all of my favorites and get everything set up for a new year or new semester, it fills me with hope and excitement.  I love the order and organization.  I love how fresh everything is.  

Back to work supply shopping is equally satisfying! I will not begin training until next month, but I can assure you that I m already well-prepared in the supply department. How pretty are those notebooks?! AND I can finally put my adorable home office space to good use!

when a job offer is so much more....

Four days ago I received a job offer.  And it was a big deal.  A far bigger deal than I had even realized it would be.  For it was the first time in a long time that I had been evaluated and recognized for my professional skills.  For the first time in a long time, I was being seen as an individual, rather than being defined by a relationship to someone else.

Over the years, I can see that I have lost sight of who I am.  When I met Jerry 12 years ago, I was a strong and independent woman with a pretty developed sense of self.  Since then, I have become more and more defined by the roles that I play in relation to other people: a wife, a mother, a military spouse. It's not that I'm unhappy in these roles.  In fact, they have all enriched my life beyond measure.  But still, I feel like I've lost grasp of who I am outside of those roles.  Something I know that many people, especially women, can relate to.  The added layer of being a military spouse further distances me from the elusive self.

So when I received this job offer, I felt a spark being re-lit inside of me.  I was finally going to have something that was all mine. I have done a significant amount of rewarding and meaningful volunteer work over the past several years, but it has always been tied to my roles as a military spouse and parent.  And while I will proudly continue to volunteer, there is something different and exciting about the opportunity to have a career of my own again.  I have missed that independence.  I have missed being able to financially contribute to my family.  I have missed a part of me. 

As I begin this new (and hopefully rewarding) chapter of my life, I am also making a commitment to myself. A commitment of self-care, self-exploration and self-enrichment.  A commitment to find things that *I* love in life, things that make me happy outside of taking care of my family.  A commitment to find a hobby other than 'taking showers' (because they are fun/relaxing things that I enjoy, but don't do as often as I like!).

Part of this commitment will be writing regular blog posts, because it is something that I do enjoy.  I'm not exactly sure what 'regular' will look like, but I'm pretty sure that it will be more frequent than once every six years!   

I appreciate anyone taking the time to read this and welcome feedback on how *you* take care of yourself or what challenges you face in maintaining your sense of self.