this lump of coal is slowly warming

Since Jerry left, it has felt like a lump of coal has taken the place in my chest where my heart usually resides. Sometimes the lump moves up and takes residence in my throat, making it hard to swallow. Neither place feels particularly good. This time of year is usually my favorite. But with Jerry not here, I've had a tough time feeling the Christmas spirit. And while I haven't fully reclaimed the usual Heather Yuletide cheer, I've found a few things this week to begin to warm the cold lump in my chest. Early in the week, I came across something that I couldn't resist picking up for a couple of friends of mine. I can't really be specific, as it's possible that these friends might read the blog and then their Christmas surprises woud be ruined. Ruined!! Iwent to the gym today for the first time and was amazed by the design of the gym. The cardio machines are all set up in front of a multi-story wall of windows, giving us a beautiful view of a (now snow-covered) heavily wooded hillside while we exercise. The snow here is really spectacular. Which also goes a long way in rekindling the warmth in my chest. Snow has been falling regularly and creating Christmas card worthy scenes. Germany has a simpler system of roads than the U.S., which means less disruption of nature. So when the snow falls, you can see an uninterrupted blanket of snow as it covers fields and hills and trees. The beauty could thaw a heart far colder than mine!


I'm very lucky because Jerry tries way harder than the other husbands to keep in touch with me. He calls or e-mails almost every day, while the other spouses often go days without hearing from their soldiers. And while I'm grateful for every call and every moment that I get to hear his voice, some of my hardest times of day are the minutes after I hang up the phone with Jerry. The house seems so much quieter and emptier. And the calls are always at the end of the day, so I go to bed still feeling the emptiness. Which just seems to grow as I lay in bed. Falling asleep has been difficult almost every night since he left. But during tonight's phone conversation, Jerry reminded me that I have it better than he does. At least I have the comfy sheets and Scooter bug.



Speaking of Scooter bug, I think he's feeling been feeling a bit forlorn since Jerry left:

He's also amped up the snoring since Jerry left. Scooter's always been a pretty loud snorer, but lately it's just been out of control! Play this little video clip and witness the outrageous snoring for yourself (and the cute ear twitching at the end):

I guess we're both feeling Jerry's absence and dealing with it in our own ways.

Today I shopped for a Christmas card for Jerry. And I actually teared up in the middle of the PX. It seems that most lovey Christmas cards or cards for husbands are aimed at couples spending the holidays together. I finally found one that had the words that I wanted to say without the words that talked about being together for Christmas.

Please don't worry....my days aren't completely filled with tears and sadness!! I've had great conversations with friends and family, good classes on post, a fun lunch with other JAG spouses, and have started on my walking program. It turns out that the garrison is sponsoring a Walk 4 Freedom program and I signed up for it yesterday and began logging my miles today. The program is an eleven month program where we log miles to equal the 2,000 miles between here and Iraq. Sounds familiar. I decided to participate in the sponsored program, with the hope that I'll meet new people through it. The program provides pedometers and uses everyday movement in addition to exercise to make up the miles walked. I plan on trying to stick to my original plan of building up those miles just through the exercise miles. And getting back on the elliptical machine today felt great. Being able to log 8 miles today from my workout made me feel even better!