selfish

So I know I should be grateful for any communication from Jerry. And I know that he's the one who's putting himself in danger...I'm just lonely. But still, I can't help but be frustrated when the calls are irregular, infrequent and often cut short because Jerry's too tired to carry on a full conversation with me.

It's a lot of work to try to stay connected to Jerry. Only three weeks in, and I can already feel a degree of detachment. It's not only the distance that makes things difficult: it's the obstacles of communication. Resources are limited in Iraq and often it can take hours of waiting in order to be able to use a computer for 30 minutes. Which means that it sometimes just isn't worth the wait. The 30-minute phone calls take place in a room where many other soldiers are also making calls. From my end, I can hear the distracting background noise of other soldiers making their phone calls and people yelling when each soldier's time is up. It makes it difficult to maintain a focused conversation. Often, Jerry is calling after an exhausting day at work. Between the other distractions and his exhaustion, it's difficult for Jerry to really engage in the conversation. Which is frustrating to me. I often feel as if I'm talking to a shell of Jerry. In previous times of separation, we've managed to make up for what is lacking in phone calls with intimate (not the dirty intimate, the honest and soul-baring intimate) e-mail messages. But so far, he hasn't had regular internet access. I'm hoping that changes but realize that I really can't count on anything for certain. I just wish that it could be easier.

I'm also selfish because I bought myself a Christmas present today. I'm considering wrapping it so that there'll be something beneath my little tree. My house is not so much 'stockings were hung by the chimney with care' as 'empty stocking are laying over the back of the chair'! Aren't I pouty today?! Anyway, I purchased an immersion blender. I can't wait to make my smoothies and not have to clean all the blender parts, as I've been doing for the past couple of weeks.

I'm going to take my selfish and pouty self to bed now and will hope that tomorrow I can wake up on the right side of the bed!