five years

Yesterday, as I was pushing myself through a pretty intense workout, it occurred to me that five years ago I never would have believed that I would be able to (or even want to) endure an hour and a half of sustained, intense cardiovascular exercise. I was lucky to make it up a flight of stairs. Yet I can do that workout now (and make it up the flight of stairs without getting winded!). When I lost over a hundred pounds, I felt amazing. When I started gaining back weight, all I could focus on was the disappointment in myself. And while it still bothers me that I've gained back as much weight as I have, I have to take a step back and pat myself on the back for making some real change in my life. I am so much healthier now, both physically and emotionally, than I was five years ago. And even with the weight gain, I've managed to keep off over 60 pounds. And that's something to be proud of. Of course, I am hopeful that my current fitness program, combined with some dietary modifications, will help me take off the rest of the weight again. But more important than that, I hope that it keeps me in touch with how much I like being an active person. Which is surprisingly easy to forget when I slip into a less-active life.

More than just my weight has changed in these five years. I'm certain that the Hev of 2003 wouldn't have believed that the Hev of 2008 would be married, an army wife, and living in Germany. In those five years, I was able to find a person that I could love in myself and that opened me up to love from someone else. People spout that crap all the time. At least it seems like crap, empty words, when you're in the place of self-loathing (or even self-dislike). But as it turns out, it isn't crap at all. And I think it really saved my life.

So here I am now, five years later. And I feel like the world has opened before me. There are so many different paths which I could follow. With Jerry gone, giving me the time to explore my options, it seems that I have a perfect opportunity to really figure out what my passions are and what my real dreams are. Many people don't ever have such an opportunity and many people plug away at jobs, at life, with no real passion or sense of who they are and how they fit into the grand scheme of things. Often, I feel like I'm too old to still be searching for these things. But the fact is, I am still searching. There is so much that I don't know. And the searching and learning makes me far happier than settling, even though it means sacrificing stability and security.

I think I'm in a good place. I'm excited for the future. The not-so-certain future. I'm excited about the fitness program and my initial progress. I'm excited that employment may be in my near future, with an interview for an interesting job scheduled this week! I'm excitd to explore educational possibilities through the master's programs offered through the military. I'm excited to learn more and grow more and hope that when I look back five years from now, I will have accomplished more than I ever would believe that I could now.