warm holiday wishes

The above card arrived from my family a few days before Christmas. That pug looks so much like my Scooter-bug! Of course, my Scooter is more handsome!

I had intended on posting on Christmas, wishing everyone the happiest of holidays. But honestly, it was tough to wish so much happiness, when I was feeling so lonely. But I've put my lonely aside to send warm thoughts your way. I hope that all of you who read this blog are surrounded by loved ones and good cheer throughout the holiday season. That your Christmas was the stuff of good memories and that you are welcoming in the new year with loved ones at your side!

As for me, I am (at Jerry's insistence) always trying to look on the positive side. That side is sometimes hard to find when you're feeling the way I have been this week. And the positive that I finally located holds the hope of an amazing holiday season next year. Not only will it be great because I'll be sharing it with at least my husband (if not more loved ones), but it will be great because I'll have the memory of this Christmas with which to compare it. Times like these really force you (or at least me) to take your appreciation for some things to a whole new level. And without loved ones to share Christmas, it really just feels like any other day.

Yesterday, there was very little to distinguish Christmas from any other day this week. I did make the traditional cinnamon rolls and I spoke to Jerry more than once. And the gym was closed. But other than that, my day was filled with my usual activities of cleaning and watching television. I guess that I was trying to keep myself busy in an effort to avoid how truly sad it is to be alone on Christmas. But as I slowed down at the end of the day, I finally broke down and let the emotion overtake me. And had a really good cry. It was the most that I've cried since the night Jerry left. I've cried a lot since that day Jerry got on the bus, but last night was the first time for snotty, body-shaking sobs. It wasn't pretty. And my head was still feeling it in the morning.

Getting through this year is going to be a challenge and I know that I'm going to be proud of myself when I've made it through it. And I'm going to make my husband proud of me by being strong for him when we talk and e-mail. (He isn't able to check the blog because of limited internet time and slow connection speeds, so I can be a little more open about the difficulties I face on giantpantz.com than when I'm talking to him.) And every day that's behind me brings me a day closer to seeing my JerryGiant again.

And so it is with the hope of a new year, a year in which my husband and I will be reunited, that I wish all of you the best and I hope that the next year will bring you as much joy as that reunion will bring me (without all of the pain)!

selfish

So I know I should be grateful for any communication from Jerry. And I know that he's the one who's putting himself in danger...I'm just lonely. But still, I can't help but be frustrated when the calls are irregular, infrequent and often cut short because Jerry's too tired to carry on a full conversation with me.

It's a lot of work to try to stay connected to Jerry. Only three weeks in, and I can already feel a degree of detachment. It's not only the distance that makes things difficult: it's the obstacles of communication. Resources are limited in Iraq and often it can take hours of waiting in order to be able to use a computer for 30 minutes. Which means that it sometimes just isn't worth the wait. The 30-minute phone calls take place in a room where many other soldiers are also making calls. From my end, I can hear the distracting background noise of other soldiers making their phone calls and people yelling when each soldier's time is up. It makes it difficult to maintain a focused conversation. Often, Jerry is calling after an exhausting day at work. Between the other distractions and his exhaustion, it's difficult for Jerry to really engage in the conversation. Which is frustrating to me. I often feel as if I'm talking to a shell of Jerry. In previous times of separation, we've managed to make up for what is lacking in phone calls with intimate (not the dirty intimate, the honest and soul-baring intimate) e-mail messages. But so far, he hasn't had regular internet access. I'm hoping that changes but realize that I really can't count on anything for certain. I just wish that it could be easier.

I'm also selfish because I bought myself a Christmas present today. I'm considering wrapping it so that there'll be something beneath my little tree. My house is not so much 'stockings were hung by the chimney with care' as 'empty stocking are laying over the back of the chair'! Aren't I pouty today?! Anyway, I purchased an immersion blender. I can't wait to make my smoothies and not have to clean all the blender parts, as I've been doing for the past couple of weeks.

I'm going to take my selfish and pouty self to bed now and will hope that tomorrow I can wake up on the right side of the bed!

happy 100th and 7th!

On television shows, it's often celebrated when a show reaches its 100th episode. This entry marks my 100th entry in the GiantPantz blog!! And it happens to fall on another day worthy of celebrating, my nephew Ian's birthday! Ian was only three years old when I first met him and today he turns 7! In honor of the big day, Scooter and I made a little video for him:

In other news of 100, today I passed the 100 mile mark on my 'Walk 4 Freedom'! Because I'm tracking miles in two different ways, I'll be hitting the 100 mile mark tomorrow as well! For the official program, I'm including miles tracked on my pedometer from normal daily activities. But for my personal program, I'm only including the miles that I achieve through working out. Right now the two numbers are pretty close because I got a head start on my personal program, but those pedometer miles add up quickly and soon the official program miles will be way ahead of the personal miles (30-40 extra miles per week!). Either way, I'm proud of the progress I've made so far and happy to celebrate the 100 miles along with the 100th blog entry!

a great day for pants

If asked, I would almost always say that giving is better than receiving. I've always loved giving the perfect gift and seeing the joy it brings to the recipient. It may be selfish, but lately I've been feeling the joy of receiving. I've loved watching my collection of received Christmas cards grow. And I loved going to the post office today and finding a yellow slip for a package that I didn't order. It was a Christmas package from my friends Jason and Alex. A package filled with pants! In addition to pants, there were Star Wars cards and an orange clock...all things Hev loves! The pants came in the form of a book:

I'm guessing that this is a British book, as it seems to be referring to pants as they mean underpants! I wanted to share a few of my favorite pages and ended up taking photos of almost every page (and I would have done every page, but I have to give y'all some reason to want to visit me!):

Thank you Jason and Alex Pants for making Pantz's day!

five years

Yesterday, as I was pushing myself through a pretty intense workout, it occurred to me that five years ago I never would have believed that I would be able to (or even want to) endure an hour and a half of sustained, intense cardiovascular exercise. I was lucky to make it up a flight of stairs. Yet I can do that workout now (and make it up the flight of stairs without getting winded!). When I lost over a hundred pounds, I felt amazing. When I started gaining back weight, all I could focus on was the disappointment in myself. And while it still bothers me that I've gained back as much weight as I have, I have to take a step back and pat myself on the back for making some real change in my life. I am so much healthier now, both physically and emotionally, than I was five years ago. And even with the weight gain, I've managed to keep off over 60 pounds. And that's something to be proud of. Of course, I am hopeful that my current fitness program, combined with some dietary modifications, will help me take off the rest of the weight again. But more important than that, I hope that it keeps me in touch with how much I like being an active person. Which is surprisingly easy to forget when I slip into a less-active life.

More than just my weight has changed in these five years. I'm certain that the Hev of 2003 wouldn't have believed that the Hev of 2008 would be married, an army wife, and living in Germany. In those five years, I was able to find a person that I could love in myself and that opened me up to love from someone else. People spout that crap all the time. At least it seems like crap, empty words, when you're in the place of self-loathing (or even self-dislike). But as it turns out, it isn't crap at all. And I think it really saved my life.

So here I am now, five years later. And I feel like the world has opened before me. There are so many different paths which I could follow. With Jerry gone, giving me the time to explore my options, it seems that I have a perfect opportunity to really figure out what my passions are and what my real dreams are. Many people don't ever have such an opportunity and many people plug away at jobs, at life, with no real passion or sense of who they are and how they fit into the grand scheme of things. Often, I feel like I'm too old to still be searching for these things. But the fact is, I am still searching. There is so much that I don't know. And the searching and learning makes me far happier than settling, even though it means sacrificing stability and security.

I think I'm in a good place. I'm excited for the future. The not-so-certain future. I'm excited about the fitness program and my initial progress. I'm excited that employment may be in my near future, with an interview for an interesting job scheduled this week! I'm excitd to explore educational possibilities through the master's programs offered through the military. I'm excited to learn more and grow more and hope that when I look back five years from now, I will have accomplished more than I ever would believe that I could now.

this lump of coal is slowly warming

Since Jerry left, it has felt like a lump of coal has taken the place in my chest where my heart usually resides. Sometimes the lump moves up and takes residence in my throat, making it hard to swallow. Neither place feels particularly good. This time of year is usually my favorite. But with Jerry not here, I've had a tough time feeling the Christmas spirit. And while I haven't fully reclaimed the usual Heather Yuletide cheer, I've found a few things this week to begin to warm the cold lump in my chest. Early in the week, I came across something that I couldn't resist picking up for a couple of friends of mine. I can't really be specific, as it's possible that these friends might read the blog and then their Christmas surprises woud be ruined. Ruined!! Iwent to the gym today for the first time and was amazed by the design of the gym. The cardio machines are all set up in front of a multi-story wall of windows, giving us a beautiful view of a (now snow-covered) heavily wooded hillside while we exercise. The snow here is really spectacular. Which also goes a long way in rekindling the warmth in my chest. Snow has been falling regularly and creating Christmas card worthy scenes. Germany has a simpler system of roads than the U.S., which means less disruption of nature. So when the snow falls, you can see an uninterrupted blanket of snow as it covers fields and hills and trees. The beauty could thaw a heart far colder than mine!


I'm very lucky because Jerry tries way harder than the other husbands to keep in touch with me. He calls or e-mails almost every day, while the other spouses often go days without hearing from their soldiers. And while I'm grateful for every call and every moment that I get to hear his voice, some of my hardest times of day are the minutes after I hang up the phone with Jerry. The house seems so much quieter and emptier. And the calls are always at the end of the day, so I go to bed still feeling the emptiness. Which just seems to grow as I lay in bed. Falling asleep has been difficult almost every night since he left. But during tonight's phone conversation, Jerry reminded me that I have it better than he does. At least I have the comfy sheets and Scooter bug.



Speaking of Scooter bug, I think he's feeling been feeling a bit forlorn since Jerry left:

He's also amped up the snoring since Jerry left. Scooter's always been a pretty loud snorer, but lately it's just been out of control! Play this little video clip and witness the outrageous snoring for yourself (and the cute ear twitching at the end):

I guess we're both feeling Jerry's absence and dealing with it in our own ways.

Today I shopped for a Christmas card for Jerry. And I actually teared up in the middle of the PX. It seems that most lovey Christmas cards or cards for husbands are aimed at couples spending the holidays together. I finally found one that had the words that I wanted to say without the words that talked about being together for Christmas.

Please don't worry....my days aren't completely filled with tears and sadness!! I've had great conversations with friends and family, good classes on post, a fun lunch with other JAG spouses, and have started on my walking program. It turns out that the garrison is sponsoring a Walk 4 Freedom program and I signed up for it yesterday and began logging my miles today. The program is an eleven month program where we log miles to equal the 2,000 miles between here and Iraq. Sounds familiar. I decided to participate in the sponsored program, with the hope that I'll meet new people through it. The program provides pedometers and uses everyday movement in addition to exercise to make up the miles walked. I plan on trying to stick to my original plan of building up those miles just through the exercise miles. And getting back on the elliptical machine today felt great. Being able to log 8 miles today from my workout made me feel even better!

sinking in

The other day I was on the phone with Jerry and he told me that he had just received rounds for his weapon, in preparation for heading on to Iraq. Until now, Jerry's been carrying his weapon everywhere, but it hadn't been loaded. Getting the rounds for the weapon made it all a little more real for both of us. By now, Jerry should actually be in Iraq, though I have not heard from him yet to confirm it and it may be days before he's able to contact me. It's really pretty scary to not know where he is, but to know that he's been traveling in a way that I've only seen in movies.

It's funny how the lonely hits. I had a pretty full day and was very productive, yet today, more than any other this week, seemed terribly lonely. Perhaps it was because I knew that Jerry was traveling today and facing more danger than usual. Or maybe it was thinking back to Thanksgiving and feeling like it was so long ago, only to realize it was just over a week ago...time travels slowly with him not here. Or maybe it's all just finally sinking in. But whatever the case, the day was full of downy clowny.

------------------------------

Jerry called! He's arrived safely and I can't describe how relieved I feel. In fact, it wasn't until he called that I realized how worked up with worry I really had been. The other day I bought our annual Christmas ornament. I suppose it would have been smart for us to pick one out together before he left, but since we hadn't, I found one myself this week. I chose an angel, with the idea that she would be watching over both of us while we were separated. I guess that should've been a good indication to myself that I was pretty worried. There were several angels similar to the one I selected, but she was the only one cradling a heart in her hands:

I'm glad I chose her and glad that she's taking her job seriously...she's been taking good care of my Jerry Giant so far.

i would walk 2,282 miles

Thanks to the magic of Facebook, I recently was in contact with a high school friend who has served in the Marines. He told me that when he was deployed, his stateside company members logged the miles they ran in an effort to equal the number of miles between the states and Iraq. I thought that that was a pretty cool idea and found a neato program through google that calulates distances. I discovered the distance between where I'm living and where I suspect Jerry will be stationed in Iraq. One of our favorite songs is I'm Gonna Be (500 miles). And I would walk 500 miles to be with Jerry. But would I walk 2,282 miles? You bet! So...over the course of the next year, I plan to cover 2,282 miles through my Walk Away the Pounds DVDs, the treadmill, and the elliptical machine. If I were to exercise every day, I'd need to cover over 6 miles a day, which would be a pretty big challenge. With that in mind, I'm going to allow myself to cover some 'ground' using stationary bicycles. I'm pretty excited about doing this and think it would be a pretty big accomplishment!



This morning I attended a Battlemind Training class with another spouse. The class was really informative and was based on a big study of soldiers and their spouses during deployment. Today's class focused on the effects of being in a combat area on soldiers. There's another class that focuses on changes in spouses when their soldiers are deployed. The class was taught by a woman whose spouse has been deployed four times, so she was able to provide examples from her own experience which was really helpful. A lot of the stuff was what I expected to hear. But I learned quite a bit too and I think that this class will have prepared me a bit better for some changes I might be seeing in Jerry over the course of the year. And it will help me be more tolerant or understanding of behavior that might otherwise piss me off. One of the interesting things she said that we could probably expect to see is some habitual checking for weapons. Downrange, our soldiers carry a heavy weapon with them at all times. So when they return home, they often make a movement to pick up their weapon when getting out of a car or leaving a restaurant because in Iraq the weapon would have been on the ground at their side when driving or eating. She said that her husband would often keep checking his pockets, wallet, etc. every time he left the house after a deployment. And he would say that he thought he had everything, but it felt like something was missing. It all makes sense, but it was something I had never really considered. I'm very glad that I took the class and plan to take the opportunity to attend more classes offered by Army Community Service.



I had been debating getting a Christmas tree this year. Though we've been getting plenty of beautiful snow to get me into the Christmas spirit, I've had a hard time feeling it. With no Jerry and no family here, I'm facing the first Christmas alone in my entire life. And part of me felt like it might be better to just pretend like it wasn't even happening. But I'm a Christmas girl and I opted to get a live small planted tree and I'm very glad that I did. And I bought a candle with the scent "holiday cheer." You may wonder what holiday cheer smells like. It smells quite good and way better than "holiday sparkle"! Here's my little bit o' Christmas:

The pair of pants usually tops the tree, but with such a small tree the pants would've caused the tree to topple over! The pair of pants tree-topper was made for the first Christmas that Jerry and I spent together. Each year, we add the new year to the pants in some way. This year I plan to sew yellow ribbon around the bottom of one of the pantlegs and put the year on the ribbon. And I can't help but think ahead to my next Christmas, which I will be sharing with my husband with a fullsized Christmas tree and fullsized Christmas cheer!

A couple of my readers had issues with yesterday's entry. I didn't give credit to a few of you who have been very supportive to me during these especially rough days. First there is my awesome Ma (sorry Jason, you're not the only awesome person in my life), who was the first person I called after parting ways with Jerry. I guess I didn't mention her specifically because it's just a given that she's the first person I go to with just about anything. She's my best friend and my strongest supporter (most of the time). So, of course, I've been leaning pretty heavily upon her. Scooter has also been very busy keeping me company and making sure I have lots of snuggle time. I tried to take a picture of us getting our snuggle on, but he yawned while I was taking the photo:

How funny is that?! I love this picture...it makes me laugh every time I look at it! So he's not only good for snuggles, but also for smiles! He's been keeping me and the flannel sheets and the body pillow company at night. I think that he kinda likes being the man of the house! It means way more time snuggling and practicing his loudest snores!! Sorry that I failed to mention Ma and Scooter yesterday!

Tonight I went to a tree lighting ceremony on post. It was pretty cool, an event sponsored by the German American Partnership Counsel. So the whole thing was in English and German. There were carols and mulled wine and gingerbread and, of course, a newly lit tree:

I'm guessing that many of you realize that going to a tree lighting ceremony was not the brightest decision for someone who just saw her loved one off to Iraq. And you are right! It certainly got the tears flowing, especially when they played a recording of White Christmas. White Christmas is one of my favorite movies and makes me think of home. And Jerry insisted we watch it together a few days before he left. But despite the tears and despite the freezing rain, the ceremony was very nice and I'm glad that I went.

Today was the day that I noticed and got sad about stupid little things. I put away the last of Jerry's clothes that I had washed. I unloaded the dishwasher and thought that the big forks will be getting a yearlong vacation since I only use the little ones. I threw out his toothbrush because I think that it would be pretty gross for him to use that same one when he returns. As each little thing gets put away, Jerry has less of a presence in the house and that's a little sad for me.

But I got to talk to him today!! And I got to see him, thanks to our laptops with webcams! The connection wasn't that great but it was enough to be able to see him and hear his voice, even if it was a little choppy. So I'm feeling a little encouraged about our communication during this time. Right now, he's only in a temporary place but next week he should be arriving in a more permanent location. Once he gets there, we'll have a better idea of how easy it will be to communicate and how clear the connections will be.

Before I sign off for the night, I thought I'd share a picture of one of the rooms in our now-furnished house! We had ordered this table in October and it arrived just in time for Thanksgiving!

Finally, I'd like to thank all of you who have taken the time to e-mail, call or write. Many of you have said that you know that you can't make things better for me, but that we're in your thoughts and prayers. Well, you're wrong. You do make things better. Of course, this is all very difficult, but every time I hear from the people who love me, I do feel a little bit better. So thank you for your support...it goes a long way!

flannel sheets and a body pillow

This past week was mostly devoted to getting ready for Jerry to leave. He had the whole week off, but we had to spend much of it taking care of the last-minute things before the deployment. But after all of that scurrying, we were able to slow down, catch our breath, and enjoy a leisurely Thanksgiving. Our friends from Schweinfurt joined us as well as another soldier who deployed this weekend and we all enjoyed lots and lots of good Thanksgiving cookin'! I even managed to make a passable version of Jerry's mom's cornbread dressing, a special treat for Jerry Giant! The meal was so good that we enjoyed leftovers twice more this weekend and Jerry left with lots of good food in his belly!


We seem to have broken the tradition of getting into silly arguments right before a time of separation, which is a pretty great thing! Our relationship has been better and stronger than ever in many ways. But it made the saying goodbye part extremely hard. This whole week has been very teary for me, though I usually managed to save my tears for times when Jerry couldn't see them. He hates to see me sad, especially when there's nothing he can do to make it better. So I tried to spare him that as much as possible. He needs to be taking care of himself and not worrying about me so that he can come home to me safely!


As the days wound down to his departure, we took care of some final preparations. For Jerry, that included tormenting the dog one last time. And by tormenting, I of course mean playing with him like a guy. Jerry thought it would be fun to give Scooter a ride in the hamper:

I'm not sure Scooter thought that it was that fun!

But as soon as Scooter was released from his hamper prison (ahem...I mean ride), he bounded up to Jerry for some lovin'. So it couldn't have been that bad!

Jerry also had to put his vest thing together and try it on. Here he is modeling it for me:

Of course it would normally be worn over his uniform, so the cod piece wouldn't stand out quite so much!!


My preparations included getting bed supplies. I got some toasty flannel sheets to help keep me warm when I'm sleeping alone for a year and a body pillow to snuggle up to. Of course, these things can't really replace Jerry, but they can make it a little bit easier to tolerate sleeping alone in a big ol' empty bed.

After all of the preparing, it was finally time to pile all of Jerry's bags into the car and head over to post for Jerry to draw his weapon. Overall, yesterday was a terrible, terrible day. I would probably list it in the top three worst days of my life. But it was pretty cool to see him with his weapon. I even got to hold it and ask questions about how it worked! Here he is just a few hours before leaving:

As I said, it was a pretty awful day. I was so sad that the hurt was actually physical. My stomach was about eight kinds of sick and it felt like I had a heavy stone in the middle of my chest. I must've cried at least ten times. I keep reminding myself that it wouldn't hurt so badly if I didn't love him so much. So that's a good thing, right? And it wasn't just hard for me. Jerry's not too big on showing his emotions, but even he was a little choked up toward the end.

After picking up his weapon, we had to wait around for three hours before Jerry was able to load his stuff onto a bus. After loading the bus, the soldiers were given another couple of hours to spend with their families in the gym. Here we are in the gym, our last photo together for quite a while:

Obviously, neither of us were at our happiest when this photo was taken. And it wasn't only because Jerry had to wear the silly eye protection! We decided that our quality time was spent at home earlier and that waiting around for the bus to leave was just making things worse for both of us. So we said our goodbyes before the family time was over and I went home and Jerry got on the bus. And as awful as I had felt throughout the day, it was nothing compared to how I felt hugging him for the last time or how I felt when I was watching him walk away toward the bus. People keep telling me that I'm a strong woman to deal with all of this. But I can tell you that I have not been feeling very strong at all. I feel like a weeping pile of Hev.

Since Jerry got on that bus at 1:00 in the morning, he has taken the bus to an Air Force base, a plane to Kuwait and is now on another bus to a post in Kuwait. While I was writing this entry, he texted me to let me know that he had landed safely in Kuwait. My day has been much less eventful. I ran a few errands, did a few loads of laundry, cleaned my kitchen and talked to my awesome friend Jason (as opposed to my crappy friend Jason!). Today, I've felt a little like I'm just going through the motions, but I know it will get better. I know that I'm going to be okay, but I also know that life will be a little less sparkly without Jerry here. I can only hope that he makes it through the year safely and that we both come out stronger in the end. I guess that times like this make me even more sentimental and sappy than usual, but more than ever I feel like no matter how far away from each other we are physically we are always with each other. And that's something to hold on to.