depression's a bitch...but the dream is alive!

I've been trying my best to hold it together as months have become weeks in the countdown until Jerry leaves. And while I've put on a pretty good game face, the truth is that I've been crumbling. Very rarely does a day go by in which I don't burst into tears, often over stupid things. Or even worse, over nothing. I haven't gotten to the point of neglecting the cleanliness of my house, but I haven't been taking good care of myself. Until this week in Schweinfurt, I hadn't been to the gym in over a month and had only exercised once at home. I've been eating crappy foods and just haven't felt very motivated. I recognize the symptoms and know that I'm traveling down Depression Street. Which is understandable, given the difficult situation of Jerry's nearing deployment. But it's not a way to live and be happy. This is the life we've chosen and this life includes separation and deployment. So I've given myself a deadline to start turning things around. I know that I have to expect that Jerry's deployment will have emotional ramifications. But I also know that I can be doing more to keep myself in a better place. And that's important for both me and Jerry. I don't want him worrying about his depressed wife when he should be concentrating on the job he needs to do. So I'm giving myself until November 15 to make some changes that should make me feel better and more emotionally stable. And what if I don't? Well, then I will turn myself over to the professionals. But I'm hoping I can pull myself together. Going to the gym this week has already helped consdierably. Making some good food choices should also go along way. And having a job of my own is already putting me in better spirits...and I haven't even started yet. Just knowing I have the job is enough to make me feel a little more grounded. My 'deadline' is a few weeks before Jerry leaves, so that hopefully he'll be leaving a wife that seems a little less fragile.

Many of my tears today have been of joy. Hmmm, joy is not the word to describe this emotion. I don't know if there really is a word. It's such an intense feeling that it almost hurts. The results of yesterday's presidential election have changed the face of who can become the leader of our country. The race itself brought us closer to having a female president than I ever thought possible this early in my lifetime. The announcement of Barack Obama as the president elect really drove home for me how solid the image of the president of the United States had been chiseled into my brain: an old white guy. And now that image has changed and it fills me with pride to see that in my lifetime, to have been a part of this historic election. And even putting aside the race issue and how monumental his election is, I find myself so inspired by this man and hopeful for our country. It's a pretty amazing feeling! And I felt proud to be part of this country and part of the election process as I listened to two gracious men concede and accept victory. This pride reminds me how lucky we are to be Americans and how proud I am to have a husband serving this great country.

All this pride and hope reminds me that all things are possible. Which translates to my personal challenges as well. Today is a day of hope and promise.