freedom?

The struggle of mom emotions seems to be what weighs most heavily on me at this point in my life and my recent string of blog posts definitely reflects that. Today is no exception. For the first time in a very long time (literally months), I am out by myself.  I am leisurely enjoying my iced skinny caramel macchiato at Starbucks, surfing the internet, doing some reading and writing this post.  Without my kids.  And it's awesome.  But I'd be lying if I said it was completely awesome.  Because the awesome is mixed with a little of that ever-present mom guilt. And I'm surprised to feel a touch of sadness as well.  Who knew the complexity of emotions that could be stirred by a simple morning alone? I certainly didn't!

For months, I have been saying that I wanted to take a couple of hours to myself on a weekend that Jerry didn't have duty.  And for months, weekends have come and gone and I didn't get (didn't take?) my two hours of freedom.  Finally, this weekend, we made it happen. 

Part of the reason that this hasn't happened is that I feel guilty for leaving the kiddos.  Which is ridiculous!  I am with them all the time.  But still, I feel guilt.  It's not as much guilt for leaving them, but it's the guilt for wanting to leave them.  I somehow feel like it's my mom duty to want to spend every waking minute with them.  Which is, again, ridiculous!  And while my head knows that it is good and healthy to have time to myself, that nagging guilt persists.

Today, I set the guilt aside and took the plunge.  I left the house without the kids.  And it felt strange. The short car ride was just so quiet.  During the hours my kids are awake, I don't think that there is ever more than a couple of seconds of silence. It was equally strange walking into the store without a small hand to hold.  And it was weird to walk up to place my order without first having a discussion/argument about the purchase of sweet treats.  And as much as I had been looking forward to exactly those things, it also made me a little sad.

With my coffee beverage in hand, I chose a table in the sun.  I set up my little work/relaxation station on the table and sat down, enjoying the feeling of the warm sun on my back. Yet it all felt a little empty.  This is the freedom I've been craving?!

But as I sat here, letting the sun work its magic, without any pressing tasks and without the constant chatter of little voices, I felt myself relaxing.  I almost didn't recognize the feeling, because it's been so long since I've felt this calm. And I realize how much I miss this.  And how important it is to make time for this.  It's worth it to wrestle my way through all of the guilt and sadness to find the calm.  And I know that it will make me a better and more patient mom...yet another reason to work at getting rid of that guilt!

I still have a little bit of time before I'm due to head back to the family.  So I'm going to stop writing and do some reading for pleasure...I honestly can't remember the last time that I did that!

Mom friends, please put aside your guilt and your excuses and make time for you!  You deserve it!

do you know that you are very strong?

As a parent, I fuck up a lot.  Whether it's yelling too much, forgetting to pack a snack for school or setting a bad example, I do my fair share of fucking up. This week, I even had the audacity to sing You Are My Sunshine to Amelie.  She vehemently let me know that she is NOT my sunshine!

BUT. There are times that the kids do or say things that make me feel like I'm doing something right after all.

One of our favorite books is "The Monster at the End of this Book".  It started out as a favorite book of mine.  A book that was read to me as a child and whose illustrations and hilarious story have stuck with me all these years. It gives me such great and pure joy to share this treasure with my own kids, complete with a silly Grover voice (which probably sounds nothing like Grover!).  And the kids adore it too, gracing me with huge smiles and belly laughs at every single reading.

Without fail, my kids answer a question posed on one of the pages. When I, in my best Grover voice, ask "Do you know that you are very strong?", both James and Amelie earnestly declare 'Yes, I am very strong!' It's a rhetorical question, so the first time they answered caught me by surprise. But every single time, it fills my heart with joy and pride.  I love seeing their confidence and certainty that they are strong.  And, although, it's a little thing, I think that it speaks volumes when young kids feel strong and powerful and are comfortable expressing that confidence.  And I don't think it's too much of a stretch to take a little bit of credit for that confidence. I love that we are able to share in the love of reading as a family and that the kids are able to smile and laugh along with the story and come away with a little boost of confidence.

Yes, James and Amelie, you are very strong!